How to be a wannabe

Wannabes are a greatly misunderstood group in society. Like any tribe, they have their own set of rituals that they must conform to in order to bolster their sense of identity and belonging. However, often their rituals and beliefs are sadly misguided and make them the laughing stock of society at large.

Brand Toolism

Every advertiser has wrestled with the beast of brand strategy at one point or the other. You can even make a whole career out of it if you put your mind to it. But what exactly is this bizarre animal? How does it all work? How exactly do we create a brand?

I decided to find out.

“What’s a ‘Yoo Ess Pee’ ?”

It’s often the little things that trip you up. In advertising, the little things can quickly turn into major nightmares. Especially when you’re sitting there banging your head on the desk, trying to make an ad for a generic product that wants to advertise its genericness in the most creative way possible.
More often than not, marketers want to cram as much detail about their product or service into an ad as they can. The result is a brief that orders you to fit several little messages into one big message.
Of course, following such a brief results in some really f****d up ads that don’t make a lick of sense, no matter which way you look at it.

That’s where the almighty USP comes in. (Not to be confused with a UPS, that odd magic box that makes funny beep beep noises and keeps my computer running in the dark.)
The USP, or Unique Selling Point, makes you whittle down the endless features of the products to its one defining feature, which you want to brag about. In other words, it forces Mr. Client to choose ONE THING about the product that he would like to sell to the world. And we all know how much we enjoy forcing the client to do our bidding. (*Sigh* little victories.)

Sure, the whole USP exercise makes Mr. Client confused and/or grumpy (after all, most of them have no idea what they’re doing and they hate it when their ignorance is put on display), but it makes for a far more sensible ad.

The Nodding Tutorial

The 7 nods of highly ineffective people

In today’s world, social etiquette is an increasingly complex science and the way one nods is an important benchmark of one’s social standing. Therefore, mastering the art of nodding is a vital instrument for success, especially if one is basically incompetent but must keep up the pretense of being a skilled professional.
In the following tutorial, I will discuss in detail the seven main kinds of nods that are used by highly untalented yet highly successful individuals everywhere.

Three steps to successful advertising

In my experience, there are essentially only three elements to any successful ad campaign.

All you have to do captivate your audience by this simple three-step strategy:

1. Attack

2. Nauseate

3. Regurgitate

Repeat till desired results are obtained.

Calvin on consumerism

It’s funny how the spirit of consumerism can be captured so aptly by a comic strip.

This is a strip from the famous Calvin & Hobbes comic. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the comic, it’s about the life of Calvin, a self-centered six-year old boy with a hyperactive runaway imagination and his imaginary tiger friend, Hobbes.

Some of his observations are surprisingly insightful, as evidenced in the strip below.

The kid’s got a point.

If I Didn’t Have To Work

Every now and then you come across an ad that takes the words right out of your mouth and captures your sentiments perfectly.
And this Budweiser radio commercial hit the nail right on the head!

If I Didn’t Have To Work - Rogers

If I didn’t have to work I’d get so much done
Like watching every basketball game on my television
I’d chat for days on my computer with girls I don’t know
Spy on the mailman to find out why he’s so slow.

If I didn’t have to work I’d make my bed a cocoon
Set my alarm so it would wake me at the crack of noon.
Maybe I’d order a Gutmaster and then exercise here
And then celebrate my workout with burritos and beer.

If I didn’t have to work I’d win the nobel prize
For the person who has captured and released the most flies
And I’d do everything else ’til I had nothin’ to do.
Then they’d put me in commercials singing
This Bud’s for you….
This Bud’s for you….
This Bud’s for you….

You can download the MP3 here: Budweiser radio commercial

Brilliant stuff.

The Zen of advertising

I am a hollow reed. Campaigns, slogans and groundbreaking concepts fly out of me like a cool summer breeze. I am merely a humble man selling humble products, making a wealthy man I’ve never met even wealthier. Such is the condition of the 9 to 5 mind. It cannot be otherwise. I am not a spiritual leader or a holy man; I have no business with such people. After the sun has gone down, I am merely a man who has completed his day’s work. No more, no less.

Ideas come, products sell. Products come, ideas sell. Advertising is naught but this.

No great truth, no great lie. Just idle stories between cold fluorescent lights and a half-finished cup of tea.

My logo is bigger than yours

Why does every client, without exception, always insist on making their logo bigger? They don’t even care how the ad will look or how weird it makes their brand seem. It’s almost like there’s a perpetual logo-measuring* contest going on between all the brand managers. It’s just never big enough for them.

It seems only fitting that there should be a song about it. I found this gem on the net and have made it a point to play it in every creative-client meeting.

It’ll save both us and them bucketloads of time.

Download it here.

*you know what I mean.

Steal this idea!

Commercial writing, be it creative or otherwise, is a bit like street-fighting. Anything goes, no holds barred, below-the-belt hits, dirty tricks, knuckledusters, knives, it’s all legit.