Wannabes are a greatly misunderstood group in society. Like any tribe, they have their own set of rituals that they must conform to in order to bolster their sense of identity and belonging. However, often their rituals and beliefs are sadly misguided and make them the laughing stock of society at large.

Listed below are 7 common strongly held beliefs by wannabes in general, hoping that upon seeing their obvious coolness, someone somewhere will give a damn.

Belief #1: “An apple device makes me cool”

Showing off your Apple product in public is one of the hallmarks of the wannabe. These are the people we see walking in public talking into their iphones or sporting their ipods on their belts, with the characteristic white earphones hanging around their necks.

They are also the people you see using Mac books in public places like coffee houses in the sad assumption that a glorified white laptop will make them look like a creative genius.

Belief #2: “Chicks dig Hair Gel”

The wannabe will sooner die than be seen in public without his slick shiny spikes of hair. Whether it’s a party, a day at work, a Sunday dinner with the family or a funeral, your hair must always be religiously gelled/moussed.

An interesting side effect is that these are the same men who typically end up bald in their mid 30’s.

Belief #3: “Fitted clothes are IN”

Regardless of your body type, if it ain’t fitted, it ain’t cool. Jeans/trousers must be tight enough to risk tearing when sitting down. If wearing a shirt, always ensure the top button is left open in order to induce maximum repulsiveness.

Belief #4: “Real men drive with shades”

No matter what car you drive, hell, even if it’s a bike, you must wear your shades when out during the day. Rainy and cloudy days inclusive.

Belief #5: “An accent makes me awesome”

Even if you just moved in from your village yesterday, you must at all times fake a foreign accent, regardless of the situation. Even if your fluency in English is questionable at best. For added wannabe-ism, always pepper your conversation with a few choice words of English, no matter what language you’re talking in.

Belief #6: “aLwAYz tYpE Ur Msgs lyK diS.”

Even if you have a master’s degree in linguistics, nothing broadcasts your coolness like typing like a retarded 4-year old.

Belief #7: “Tilt that head when the cameras flash”

Nothing says “I’m cool” like tilting your head to one side with a blank expression of boredom every time your picture is taken. Not only does it make you look cool, it also makes you look like an idiot with a neck cramp whose IQ wallows way below the three digit mark.

Every advertiser has wrestled with the beast of brand strategy at one point or the other. You can even make a whole career out of it if you put your mind to it. But what exactly is this bizarre animal? How does it all work? How exactly do we create a brand?

I decided to find out.

The truth, it turns out, is stranger than fiction.

My investigations revealed that at the core of the pseudoscience that is branding, lies the mysterious ‘branding process’.

This process is shaped and hammered by the almighty Brand Tools: a set of magical tools that promise to transform even the most flaccid brand into an irresistible hurricane of brand potency.

We’ve all heard about them. We’ve all tried to use them. But let’s face it, you might as well be using a magic crystal ball to find your answers. The tools are all fine in theory but they don’t translate particularly well into the real world.

Therefore to give a clearer picture of how the branding process really works, I have created my own set of tools to depict what really goes on in the branding process.
Ladies and gents, I give you: The Real Brand Tools.

OBI – Overbearing Brand Idiot
The first of the tools, there is one in every meeting. Whether it’s from the agency or the client side, this individual knows all the clichés but none of the science behind branding.

Often loud and belligerent, the power and authority this figure holds is usually inversely proportional to their capability.
Nevertheless, the OBI is integral to the branding process. It could not function without them.

More often than not, the OBI is the supreme decision-making authority when it comes to brand direction. This simple fact makes the OBI arguably the most powerful weapon in the branding arsenal.
However, it’s a weapon that seldom hits its intended mark.

ToBI – Tampered Overview Banishes Inconsistencies
There is always a strong element of guesswork when it comes to strategizing. The natural outcome of this is inconsistencies and contradictions in the brand framework. But because of the tremendous leeway the branding process affords, the ToBI can be applied to ‘tweak’ the framework to fit any conclusion desired.

The ultimate example of reverse engineering, the entire process can be revised, top to bottom, to fit any preconceived conclusions/insights. This manifests in an impeccable brand overview which cannot be challenged.

In the words of Phillip Johnson-Laird, “A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to fit any data.”

OBI WAN KENOBI – Obnoxious Brand Illusion Washes Away Negatives / Knowledge and Experience are Nullified Over Bizarre Insight
The imprecision and blindness inherent in the branding process ensures that any and all aspects of a strategy are open to debate. The OBI WAN KENOBI was evolved for just such a situation.

This is where the OBI bullies the rest of the team into accepting their vision of the strategy. The OBI creates an idealistic and overly-optimistic image of the brand that is typically far-removed from reality. Seeing the brand through rose-colored glasses, the OBI is so deeply immersed in the brand illusion that they can see no flaws in the strategy.

Though the team may have more knowledgeable and experienced members, their voices go unheeded and they are force-fed an ill-conceived and off-target grand insight that has little relevance to the brand or its positioning.

The OBI WAN KENOBI, therefore, is the ultimate approval tool. It squashes any voices of dissent and ensures unanimous acceptance of the results of the branding process.

These tools, when used in sequence, constitute the real events and processes that occur in the branding process.

When allegedly intelligent people insist on playing with fire, the rest of us outcasts do what we always do.
Just kick back with a cup of coffee and watch the fireworks.

It’s often the little things that trip you up. In advertising, the little things can quickly turn into major nightmares. Especially when you’re sitting there banging your head on the desk, trying to make an ad for a generic product that wants to advertise its genericness in the most creative way possible.
More often than not, marketers want to cram as much detail about their product or service into an ad as they can. The result is a brief that orders you to fit several little messages into one big message.
Of course, following such a brief results in some really f****d up ads that don’t make a lick of sense, no matter which way you look at it.

That’s where the almighty USP comes in. (Not to be confused with a UPS, that odd magic box that makes funny beep beep noises and keeps my computer running in the dark.)
The USP, or Unique Selling Point, makes you whittle down the endless features of the products to its one defining feature, which you want to brag about. In other words, it forces Mr. Client to choose ONE THING about the product that he would like to sell to the world. And we all know how much we enjoy forcing the client to do our bidding. (*Sigh* little victories.)

Sure, the whole USP exercise makes Mr. Client confused and/or grumpy (after all, most of them have no idea what they’re doing and they hate it when their ignorance is put on display), but it makes for a far more sensible ad.

The 7 nods of highly ineffective people

In today’s world, social etiquette is an increasingly complex science and the way one nods is an important benchmark of one’s social standing. Therefore, mastering the art of nodding is a vital instrument for success, especially if one is basically incompetent but must keep up the pretense of being a skilled professional.
In the following tutorial, I will discuss in detail the seven main kinds of nods that are used by highly untalented yet highly successful individuals everywhere.

The Executive Nod
This nod is implemented through a silent brooding look, with furrowed eyebrows and an otherwise inexpressive face to show an appropriate amount of concentration on the practitioner’s part. Maintaining eye contact with the speaker is also important to create the illusion of moderate interest.

However, it is a two-edged sword: done too intently, it will make the practitioner seem perplexed and confused. Done too lightly, the practitioner will appear bored and uninterested.
The movement of the head must also be measured carefully for the appropriate effect.
This nod is a valuable tool in any formal communication arsenal: it adds an air of credibility to the practitioner during meetings, thus concealing the true extent of his ignorance and at the same time, making him seem both rational and thorough.

The Casual Nod
One of the safest nods to execute, it enables the practitioner to avoid awkward social interactions while at the same time fulfilling the bare minimum requirement of social etiquette.
The main objective in such encounters should ideally be to NOT make any eye contact and escape detection by immediately fleeing the vicinity.
However, should eye contact be unavoidable, the nod should absolve the practitioner of the need to stop and exchange meaningless pleasantries.

A slow, almost imperceptible nod, preferably accompanied by a brief polite smile while keeping stride, with eye contact maintained for less than three seconds is the typical execution of this nod. If eye contact is maintained for longer than three seconds, the nod has effectively failed and conversation must be made.

This nod is also employed in other chance or random meetings such as washrooms, offices, cafes, or in worst-case scenarios, outings with a significant other.

The Contemplative Nod
This nod is used almost exclusively when the practitioner finds themselves in the midst of a discussion or debate which they know nothing about.

In such a scenario, the practitioner will assume an air of seriousness and open-mindedness by keeping eye contact with the speaker and occasionally staring briefly at some mundane item on the table. An appearance of borderline aloofness or detachment will aid the impression.
Facial expressions will be completely inexpressive, but the eyes will be widened and narrowed at appropriate intervals during the listening stage. Nods will be used sparingly and they will be performed slowly. The practitioner will also remain silent, only making a brief but deep “hmmm” noise at appropriate intervals to create the illusion of deep contemplation.

When required to speak, the practitioner will respond with either a very vague statement, or will state that all the speakers have made valid points.
In this manner, the illusion of credibility and wisdom of the practitioner is kept intact.

The Sucking-Up Nod
When the situation requires high levels of ingratiation, the practitioner will express a keen level of interest and eagerness which can range from childlike enthusiasm to extreme euphoria, possibly with some foaming at the mouth.
Nodding will often be jerky and rapid, occurring in quick succession and be accompanied by slavish and oft irrational agreements with the speaker.

The more evolved practitioner, however, will be more subtle with this nod. The bobbing of the head will be more measured and controlled. It will be used in moderation, with a keen eye on any observers that may be present. Agreements will be phrased indirectly, often accompanied by seemingly rational but baseless opinions that echo the views of the speaker.

The Clueless Nod
If the practitioner is caught off-guard by an unexpected question, the clueless nod can provide a strategic escape route. This nod is performed with widened eyes, a brief furrowing of the eyebrows and an expression of puzzlement. This sends the message that the practitioner is ignorant of the subject being discussed, hence absolving them of the obligation to answer.

Frequently employed as a self-defense mechanism to avoid answering dangerous questions, the nod creates the illusion that the question itself is ludicrous and mistaken. As a result, the question and its consequences are directed elsewhere, freeing the practitioner from any potential ramifications.

The Whatever Nod
This nod is unique blend of belligerence and indifference, employed when the practitioner is caught in a painfully boring situation and strongly wishes they were someplace else. In this nod, no eye contact is made and the corner of the lip may twitch, hinting impatience and annoyance. Rolling the eyes will emphasize the ‘I don’t give a damn’ factor.
It is also important to NOT reply to the speaker; should the practitioner be required to reply, a grunt will usually suffice.

It is of paramount importance that this nod NOT be used while being addressed by a superior or significant other. Failure to observe this protocol may result in immediate unemployment / break-up / physical injury.

The Expectant Nod
This nod is used when the practitioner wishes to entice a response from the speaker. Direct eye contact will be made and the head will be tipped downwards. The eyes will be wide open, and the voice will carry an expectant tone.
Often employed when dealing with incompetent coworkers and/or small children, it can also be used as a subtle psychological tactic.

If the practitioner is dealing with an irate individual, the nod will create the impression that the practitioner has asked some sort of question and an answer is required. The resulting confusion of the speaker affords the practitioner a window of opportunity in which they can reassert control.

There are countless variations within these nods, and each needs to be modified slightly depending on the situation at hand. Nevertheless, building upon these basics will reap great rewards for the dedicated practitioner in terms of both professional and personal accomplishment, and prove that lack of talent and ability is no handicap for success.

In my experience, there are essentially only three elements to any successful ad campaign.

All you have to do captivate your audience by this simple three-step strategy:

1. Attack

2. Nauseate

3. Regurgitate

Repeat till desired results are obtained.

It’s funny how the spirit of consumerism can be captured so aptly by a comic strip.

This is a strip from the famous Calvin & Hobbes comic. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the comic, it’s about the life of Calvin, a self-centered six-year old boy with a hyperactive runaway imagination and his imaginary tiger friend, Hobbes.

Some of his observations are surprisingly insightful, as evidenced in the strip below.

The kid’s got a point.

]]> http://omairadman.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/calvin-on-advertising/feed/ 0 Omair http://omairadman.wordpress.com/2008/04/20/if-i-didnt-have-to-work/ http://omairadman.wordpress.com/2008/04/20/if-i-didnt-have-to-work/#comments Sun, 20 Apr 2008 15:57:26 +0000 Omair http://omairadman.wordpress.com/?p=12 ]]>

Every now and then you come across an ad that takes the words right out of your mouth and captures your sentiments perfectly.
And this Budweiser radio commercial hit the nail right on the head!

If I Didn’t Have To Work - Rogers

If I didn’t have to work I’d get so much done
Like watching every basketball game on my television
I’d chat for days on my computer with girls I don’t know
Spy on the mailman to find out why he’s so slow.

If I didn’t have to work I’d make my bed a cocoon
Set my alarm so it would wake me at the crack of noon.
Maybe I’d order a Gutmaster and then exercise here
And then celebrate my workout with burritos and beer.

If I didn’t have to work I’d win the nobel prize
For the person who has captured and released the most flies
And I’d do everything else ’til I had nothin’ to do.
Then they’d put me in commercials singing
This Bud’s for you….
This Bud’s for you….
This Bud’s for you….

You can download the MP3 here: Budweiser radio commercial

Brilliant stuff.

I am a hollow reed. Campaigns, slogans and groundbreaking concepts fly out of me like a cool summer breeze. I am merely a humble man selling humble products, making a wealthy man I’ve never met even wealthier. Such is the condition of the 9 to 5 mind. It cannot be otherwise. I am not a spiritual leader or a holy man; I have no business with such people. After the sun has gone down, I am merely a man who has completed his day’s work. No more, no less.

Ideas come, products sell. Products come, ideas sell. Advertising is naught but this.

No great truth, no great lie. Just idle stories between cold fluorescent lights and a half-finished cup of tea.

Why does every client, without exception, always insist on making their logo bigger? They don’t even care how the ad will look or how weird it makes their brand seem. It’s almost like there’s a perpetual logo-measuring* contest going on between all the brand managers. It’s just never big enough for them.

It seems only fitting that there should be a song about it. I found this gem on the net and have made it a point to play it in every creative-client meeting.

It’ll save both us and them bucketloads of time.

Download it here.

*you know what I mean.

Commercial writing, be it creative or otherwise, is a bit like street-fighting. Anything goes, no holds barred, below-the-belt hits, dirty tricks, knuckledusters, knives, it’s all legit.

Rob, steal and plunder writing resources, rip them apart, inject yourself into the material and rebuild to your own liking and just run with it.

But I guess the same applies to any commercial endeavor. It’s all about the owning the idea and making it yours.

There are no hard and fast rules to apply ownership to an idea, so it basically belongs to the one who comes up with it first, or even more importantly, the one who makes it work.

The point being, you can be creative without having to create 100% never-before-seen content from scratch.

This isn’t really a bad thing. Why re-invent the wheel when you already have an idea that can work for you? It may take some tweaking and messing with, but if it works, USE IT!!

This exercise doesn’t come without its own dangers through. There are other people who’ve had this brainstorm before, and they took it in a very wrong direction.

This practice, in the hands of the misguided or those looking for easy gains, is responsible for the all-too-familiar ‘me too’ phenomenon.

That’s when a good idea is copied by all and sundry and used everywhere tastelessly and indiscriminately.

Soon, the original idea loses its value, and all the copycats wonder why ‘their’ idea isn’t working anymore.

It’s one thing to tap into different sources for inspiration, it’s another to lift someone else’s idea lock, stock and barrel and dump it ‘as-is’ into your project.

Originality and novelty sell, and that’s not going to change.

And a damn good thing too, otherwise we’d never see anything new!

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